November 13, 2010

THIS IS WHY

So I needed colored ink for my printer. God knoweth how I run out so fast because the only thing of color that I ever print is recipes and directions to places. But somehow the tanks go empty and I pull them out and - yep - nothing.

So I figure okay it's Saturday morning I'll do the usual rounds. Bank. Gas. Whatever. Post office. Etc. And so off I go to the mega store that has everything. It is November 13th 2010.

And I'm used to the fact that I'm going to hear Christmas music. Nope. I'm not even going to complain about it because, you know what, if you're not used to it by now you're just being a poser. Everybody says they don't like it, too early, blah blah blah. And of course IT IS but enough already. There are 560,439 blog posts about how Christmas music and decorating starts too early already yeah? So forget that.

Anyway as I'm walking to the very back of the mega store I hear "Walking In A Winter Wonderland." It's not any version I ever heard before and I couldn't tell you who the woman was who was singing it. But what I noticed was that it was a particularly vapid version of it. Like hypnosis. Because she sings "Walkin' In A Winter Wonderland" over and over.

And over.

And each time it gets just a degree quieter. Like

WALKIN IN A WINTER WONDERLAND
WALKIN In A Winter Wonderland
Walkin In A Winter Wonderland
walkin in a Winter Wonderland
(walkin in a winter wonderland...)

Until you can just picture people with their arms stretched in front of themselves walking around. Presumably in a winter wonderland.

This was immediately followed by U2. Can you guess the song? Go ahead guess. You know. Oh sure you do! It starts up and you notice, whether they've digitally enhanced that particular lyric or not so that it comes up a little louder than the rest, that it's a perfect compliment to

(walkin in a winter wonderland...) when Bono goes
"And I STILL haven't FOUND.... what I'm LOOKIN FOR..."
again and again.
As you're walking down the aisles like a zombie. In a winter wonderland.

And so my cynical, predisposed to anarchy self has either recognized the retail tactics being employed on all of us hapless shoppers.. or I'm really really paranoid. I don't know.

But it's funny. I'm walking to the check out with my three inks; Nina, Pinta and Cyan, when I pass the guy's shirt racks.

And I go, Hmmm that's a cool shirt. I should try that on. Hmmmmm.

And then I'm all "WAIT A FREAKIN MINUTE already!" Because I came in to get colored inks for the printer. Not shirts. I don't even need a shirt. I got two shirts for my birthday LAST MONTH. I have shirts in my closet I've STOPPED WEARING for God's sake.

No. NO I sez.

I walk up to the check out. I check out. I get in my car. I come home. I write this.

Welcome to my world.

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You can actually buy the Santa zombie HERE. No I am not getting a cut. But I figured since I'm going to download their pic if they maybe sell a couple they won't be mad at me.

6 comments:

Kelbel said...

I appreciate that you didn't go into a rant on how early it is for Christmas stuff. I want to smack those whiny schmucks.

sybil law said...

Sounds a LOT like my shopping experiences!
And my most hated freaking holiday song is Feliz Navidad. That song makes me want to punch people in the face!

I like zombie Santa, though!

B.E. Earl said...

I hate going shopping. Unless it's going to the liquor store. That I like. Like right now I need a new laptop. I'm getting by using Gia's laptop, but I really do need one. So instead of going shopping for one I'll prolly just order one online.

You can't do that with booze.

SK Waller said...

Earl: When I lived in Denver, the local liquor store delivered for only a buck. That was great!

Brian said...

I can't think of a better metaphor for holiday shopping than Zombie Santa.

CONSUME!!!

Avitable said...

You almost fell into the trap. Walk in for one thing, come out with fifty. That's why I try to only shop online. Somehow, it seems safer. Plus, no Christmas music. Because it's too damn early.