I need to take better care of my relationships. Not meaning my wife or daughters because I'm solid there I think - but everybody else from the family starting out from that and also friends.
I have a lot of revolving door phenomenon in my life with people and I do know why it is. I mean it isn't a mystery. A small percentage is just sometimes I can't see that somebody is a sociopath. Everybody has that to a degree. But I'm talking about the larger percentage of walk-aways being folks who willfully walk away and truly don't give a shit any more.
And the reason for that is that I'm not really what you'd call an overly friendly guy. I mean I'll give money for somebody's operation or funeral or shit like that, and I can sit around talking about old times and all that. I'll go to your birthday and your wedding and your anniversary. I'll show up for game night if you're having a thing and I'll even organize these things myself sometimes.
But if your marriage is falling apart or you're having a mental breakdown or you really need somebody to talk to about your problems I'm probably not your contact. Just so you know.
It isn't that I'm a meanie or I can't help you and console you and maybe even take a walk with you so you can blab... I mean vent... it out of your system. I can do that, and have. I can be that guy. It's just there's a limit to how much of your angst I can deal with. I have like this tube that can only accept so much blue stuff and then the system shuts down and I revert to the Cher - In - That - Movie - Approach - To - Mental - Health. A good slap across the face while shouting "snap out of it" into your eyes.
I can only take so much of your problem before I lose interest and want to be somewhere else. And it's really hard for me to hide my squirming. That isn't good. I know it. It's rude and maybe it is a little cruel. I know.
This stems, I just know it, from my own inability to confide in someone else about things that have been, were, or are on top of me at any given moment. I mean this is even a thing my wife has told me about - everything is in my head and it never comes out. I just try to work it out and even if I make a stupid resolution to it I don't bounce it off anybody. I just do it. Not healthy.
In the past, even surrounded by peers and people who meant well, I always kept my story to a minimum. I always felt that, when I did confide or vent or worry out loud to someone, that there was a point at which I was really boring the shit out of them and I felt I was unfairly wasting their time. So I'd just shut up and deal with it. Until, by now, shutting up and dealing with it is S.O.P. in these parts.
The other thing is when people do or say or believe or act out something really stupid, there's a real good chance I'm going to just wave you on and that'll be it. I have a quick trigger on that. Like we'll be going along and then you tell a joke about black people that we all heard thirty years ago and think that's just the funniest thing you ever heard... you're gone. If you want to talk you can contact me but I'm not going out of my way to see how you're doing. I want to say I do recognize that this is a character flaw of mine and not yours, but I'm pretty good at forgetting people forever once they fall off the table. And that's not altogether very cool. In fact that's probably an aspect people leave my company over. My ability to throw you off the bus and not look back. Ever. Yeah in fact I know it is.
So the point of all this is to say to any observer that this is the reason the cast of characters in my life may have a tendency to change more than most (if you're observing that), and why - as the last week and a half with my wife in NY have proven once again - I don't seem to put too high a value on human contact. And I'm going to try and work on that.