October 08, 2010

Brutal Honesty: The Cliff Notes

Okay for the last seven or eight readers remaining here's brutal honesty in abbreviated form. A meme going around. I have a lot of respect for folks who can make this into 30 posts but I'm not that person. Too much dwelling isn't good for my health. So I'm going to give it to you straight and hard. So to speak...

Something you hate about yourself.
I don't think before I open my mouth. I continually say that one really special thing that's either going to piss someone off or put a damper on everything - not just for the evening - but from here on out forever.

Something you love about yourself.
I happen to like the fact that I'm not in love with anything I am, do or think. Strong like is about as far as I'll go. And I like the fact I don't feel any self love about anything.

Something you have to forgive yourself for.
The time I put my marriage in jeopardy. What the hell was I thinking... I don't know. I'm an idiot.

Something you have to forgive someone for.
The hazing and everything else that happened to me in 8th grade by at least seven different guys. I say I've forgiven them, but I enjoy seeing how miserable the ones I know of are now, their health problems, their financial ruinations, their regrets over what happened back there. So I guess I haven't actually completed the process.

Something you hope to do in your life.
Spain. Tapas, beaches, bullfight. Yes he said bullfight. What of it?

Something you hope you never have to do.
Survive my wife and/or kids/grandkids and have to bury any of them.

Someone who has made your life worth living for.
It's a tiered system. Right now and for the last 7 years I think it's Emma.

Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
I've got a big basket of these ranging from family to people I knew. I would seriously not know where to begin. Not so much the "life hell" part because that suggests this is with me all the time. The "like shit" part happens often, but I usually shake it off.

Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
This assumes there was one. There isn't.

Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
I've worked on this and can't see anybody. Really.

Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
No no no. Sorry. Nothing. I'm usually doin it wrong. If people like something they don't say it. But, to be honest, I am exceedingly uncomfortable with compliments and if they are too profuse I may just think you're a sycophant and discount you altogether. I have no idea why that is. That's just me.

Something you never get compliments on.
This is the thing that bothers me about these memes, and why I decided not to do this over thirty days. I have absolutely no idea what to say here. That's not bravado or appearances or anything. What do I say here? Something I don't feel appreciated for? I don't know. I really don't know.

A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Dear Bob, Remember when I used to play Blonde On Blonde every year on my birthday? the whole thing from start to finish? I don't do that any more and haven't for years now, but - you know - from high school into several years into my marriage I never missed an opportunity to either do the whole set or at least a handful of things from it. I know exactly why I did that, and you may know approximately why I did that, but it's safe to say nobody else in the entire world knows the significance of it. And that is how it shall remain. But thank you for making that, and thank you for giving me something that is only mine and no one else's anywhere. Ever. Signed, Me.

A hero that has let you down. (letter)
I don't idolize anybody. The closest thing I can come to is like, maybe, Spider Man, because he never freakin grows up. Ever. The doofus.

Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Seriously? Beef. Beef and animal meat altogether. I have enormous respect for people who are vegetarians - probably more than they would think - because I understand it from a personal/moral and health position. But after 56, almost 57, years I know I now can't live without it. There are plenty of other things here I couldn't live without, but the question says "you've tried it." So that narrowed it down a lot.

Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Glenn Beck.

A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Really? This is going to be a boring answer and probably too personal to be of any interest to anyone at all. But "The Dead Father" by Donald Barthelme completely ripped apart my staid, traditional, formula-oriented, A=A=A way of writing fiction and showed me that it is still a living art form for which the sky itself wasn't even a limit. But, see, no one's going to think anything about that because that's a pretty boring answer. Sorry.

Your views on gay marriage.
I hope they have a happy and beautiful life. Whoever they are. What?

What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
I think spirituality and a personal code of conduct trumps "religion", but I can't stomach assholes who give you this: "Christianity is the problem, crusades, blah blah, inquisition, blah blah blah, mouthshit, etc. blah" because they are so obtuse they refuse to separate the ism from what acts are done in the ism's name. It's EXACTLY the same as people who blame Islam for their sub-jerks. It's called bigotry. And a lot of atheists don't see that because they're all just so wonderfully intelligent and above it all. Assholes. I see the Bible as a metaphor, not to be taken literally, but I still get academic pedants from time to time who want to lump me in with Torquemada. Whatever. God bless you too, moron. And politics ain't beanbag, so what do you want from me?

Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Conflicted about drugs because I can't believe we're still at war with them and yet I've seen enough people destroyed by the neverending loop drugs can create to have legitimate reservations about complete legality. I do understand how much revenue we're missing out on as a nation and I suppose I should be libertarian enough to not give a shit if somebody else can't handle themselves, but I don't know. Depends on what day you talk to me I guess. By the same token I see the damage alcohol has done to some people and I can't "get" why one is okay and the other isn't (I mean beyond the cultural war stuff). The thing that pisses me off are folks who drive their car under the influence of either (even though I've done it... so shoot me); I am more responsible now.

(scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Call the family and see if there's anything I can do.

Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Wasted a year and a half of my life on the complete fraud called Scientology, which included uprooting myself at the very moment I should have been establishing my own life, goals, and social network. I really REALLY screwed that up. And when I came back home everybody and everything had gone on without me and I could never catch up again no matter how I tried.

Something you wish you had done in your life.
This goes in and out, meaning sometimes i wish I did and other times I'm truly glad I didn't. I had a short acting career, stage, and had jobs available and offered for more work and I walked away. I didn't like the life, and what nobody knew (ever) was the debilitating, wretched, horrific, and mind-boggling bouts of stage fright I experienced ever since I first went on the stage at school. It was awful. I would step out on the stage and everything would be fine all of a sudden; but beforehand I was a raving, insane mess who held it all in and let on to no one. I did not like that feeling and i am satisfied with what I'm doing now. But I wonder sometimes...

Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
"Ooh Baby, Baby" Smokey Robinson and the Miracles
"Special Stream Line" Bukka White
"Percy's Song" Arlo Guthrie
"On The Turning Away" Pink Floyd
"Shayla" Blondie
"Rock The Casbah" The Clash
"I Remember" Deadmou5 & Kaskade

Dear Whoever, now you see the abbreviated progression to my personal musical odyssey. You should see the stuff in between though. Seriously. Some of this really jumps and prances, Carolina. Signed, Me.

The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
I didn't get in the car with Mr Stranger Danger?

Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Once briefly, but it was very very fleeting. I have always believed in homicide over suicide.

What’s the best thing going for you right now?
The 29,845 finished words of THINK FAST. I've never written better.

What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Be exceptionally surprised...

Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Sit up straight, lose 25 pounds, get my teeth fixed and disappear.

A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Dear Self, Get over yourself. Signed, Self.
No really, this is already answered. Now go away.


sybil law said...

I am so blown away by the Scientology thing, and now I have questions!
What the, how the, when the, etc?

RW said...

sybil - not as important as the stuff we're doing now to handle the fraud and abuse.


Why We Protest


Message To Scientology

The Road to February 10


Find me and some friends here

Avitable said...

I'd have to say that I always have a fondness for your unflinching world view. That's a compliment in case you're too dense or stubborn to see it.

SK Waller said...

Well, you know I'll steal this. Thanks in advance.

B.E. Earl said...

Doing it in one day is the way to go. I applaud. But I'm still not gonna do it myself. I don't have the guts to be that introspective.

I dig the answer on how you are going to change yourself.