September 20, 2010

The Tea Party Purity Test

One of the newest employment opportunities to open up here in the good ol' USA is politics. There is a great need for candidates to fill in local, state and national elections and very little experience is needed. There are only a few items you need to be clear on to get the job, and - actually - you don't have to really believe this stuff. You must, however, look like you do.

If you can pass this test you may be just what we're looking for!

1. American Heroes
Whether you believe it or not, you must say that Joe McCarthy was a great American and that his activities were good for America because the Bill of Rights doesn't apply to people who are communists, people who are socialists, or anybody who just happened to hang out with one of them sometime seventeen years ago.

2. You Must Be A Libertarian
But civil liberties do not apply to people who are under suspicion of committing a crime and Miranda Rights should be abolished. If the police are after you it's for a reason. And if you're not guilty you've got nothing to worry about, right? Besides, your body will sink if you're not a witch.

3. Intelligence
If you have an education you must not show it. If you must have an education make sure it is not from a liberal elite school in a "non GOP area". If your education is obvious in your vocabulary it can be mitigated if you are comfortable talking about bowling and hockey camp. Spelling is optional.

4. On Racists
Even though you are not a racist yourself, you really do want the skinhead vote as part of your coalition because the enemy of your enemy is your friend. Just because you didn't ever notice what was going on in DC before they elected a black President doesn't mean you don't like him just because he's black - even if you were just telling race jokes in the kitchen ten minutes before you said that. We know, it's a free speech issue. Of course it is!

5. National Scripture
The Constitution is sacrosanct and holy. That's why we must guard against any changes to or mis-interpretation of the 2nd Amendment. The inviolate nature of the Constitution does not apply to the 14th Amendment or any other Amendment that may come up in this election cycle we can scare people about.

6. Science
If 50% of people think Creation Science is legit it doesn't matter what scientists say, the school has an obligation to teach it right alongside that evolution garbage. Noah had kangaroos on the ark, or something close to kangaroos that then migrated to Australia and morphed into the modern kangaroo. Because Australia was still connected to Asia back then so it didn't have to cross a lot of water or anything.

7. Places of Worship
People have a right to practice whatever religion they are led to follow and can put their Christian churches wherever zoning will allow.

8. The Evils Of Communism
Communism remains the biggest threat to American freedom. The Soviet Union and it's Eastern European satellites are engaged in the single largest con game in the history of the world in attempting to appear to be free societies. We must never cease our vigilance to eradicate the Red Menace from the Earth as well as inside our own borders.

If you can say any of these things with a straight face, you could be the next Senator from your state!

Apply Here.


flask said...

woot! you go, brother!

sybil law said...


I think Christine O'Donnell is Sarah's twin, or long lost sister, or something.

B.E. Earl said...

Creation Science? Isn't that an oxymoron? Sorry...I meant oxymoran.

Brian said...

Seriously, what does that guy have against the Morans? They're good people, mostly from Cork, as I recall...

Brian said...

I think we are rapidly approaching a time--if we aren't there already--where someone could run for office as performance art (think Andy Kaufman) and have a serious chance of getting elected.

I'd consider doing it myself, but I can't act for shit. I wouldn't mind helping to write the material, er, um, campaign talking points, though...

(Sometimes when the news really depresses me I try to convince myself that this is what is actually happening.)

Gino said...

i think jesse ventura won in MN that way.